


Gone (the The Wasting Game remix)

by the5leggedCricket



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 19:23:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6579223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the5leggedCricket/pseuds/the5leggedCricket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin is in love with Arthur, something Arthur is decidedly not supposed to know about. But he does, and what's more, he might even reciprocate those feelings. When one afternoon Merlin overhears Arthur and Gwaine discussing these feelings, he draws the wrong conclusions and flees before Arthur can explain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gone (the The Wasting Game remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Polomonkey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polomonkey/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Wasting Game](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1015782) by [Polomonkey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polomonkey/pseuds/Polomonkey). 



> When I heard that I had to remix a work of yours, Polo, my first thought was, "Fucking awesome!" because I'm a huuuuge fan. Then, naturally, I realised that this was not a good thing, because well, it's impossible to write anything anywhere near as good as you do. I gave it my best, and I hope that you like it at least a little.
> 
> I decided to remix The Wasting Game, because I dare say it's one of my favourite works in this fandom (the angst!), and more specifically the scene I did, because it makes me cry every. Single. Time.
> 
> A big thank you to A for beta'ing this fic. I didn't always listen to her wise words, so any remaining mistakes are entirely my own.
> 
> Also thank you to M for letting me whine and for giving me some great tips.

_Tring tring tring. Click._ “This is the voicemail of _Merlin Emrys_. Please leave your message after the beep.” The tinny voice sounds way too cheerful. It rubs at Arthur’s already frayed nerves, making him grind his teeth.  
  
He ends the call before the beep sounds and immediately redials. He shifts on his seat, chewing on his thumb nail.  
  
_Tring tring tring. Click._ “This is the voicemail of _Merlin Emrys_. Please leave your message after the beep.”  
  
Arthur stabs the red and green button in quick succession. He tears the nail he was chewing on and hisses.  
  
_Tring tring tring. Click._ “This is the voicemail of _Merlin Emrys_. Please leave your message after the beep.”  
  
Arthur sighs and slumps forwards in his chair. He puts his elbows on his desk and grasps his hair with his left hand as his right hand redials automatically. Then he jumps up, physically pained to stay still, and starts pacing his bedroom again.  
  
“Come on, Merlin, just pick up your damn phone.”  
  
Arthur just wants to talk to him. Talk like they haven’t in months, before Merlin shut him and the whole world out. But why would Merlin suddenly give up on his silence? Of course Arthur could just talk to him, if only Merlin would listen and be able to focus for long enough to hear his words. Arthur doesn’t even know _what_ those words would be.  
  
_Tring tring tring. Click._ “This is the voicemail of _Merlin Emrys_. Please leave your message after the beep.”  
  
Not that it will matter, because Merlin still isn’t picking up, and Arthur isn’t sure who he wants to strangle more: Gwaine, himself, or the idiot in question. Probably himself, because he could never hurt Merlin, who’s doing enough damage to himself as it is, and Gwaine doesn’t deserve it either. It’s Arthur’s fault for not bringing it up sooner. It’s _school_ , secrets have a way of coming out.  
  
Arthur glares at the wall in front of him. It’s mostly bare, with only a calendar attached to it. It’s hard to distinguish the words on it now; the sun has set. Arthur has reached the offending wall and turns around, flicking the switch when he reaches the opposite wall before continuing his pacing.  
  
Yes, he definitely should have brought it up _before_ Merlin discovered that Arthur knew. About Merlin’s love for him. If only Arthur knew what to do with those feelings. Does he reciprocate them or not?  
  
Arthur sighs and draws the curtains closed with a snap. Yet another ‘if only’.  
  
If only he hadn’t lost touch with Merlin when he got a girlfriend.

If only he’d hung out with Merlin more.

If only he’d noticed that Merlin was ill.

If only he’d talked to Merlin before it got out of hand.

If only he’d told Hunith sooner that Merlin was anorexic.

If only he’d been a better friend to Merlin.  
  
But no, that’s not true. Arthur might have made mistakes, but he’s done everything to set things right again. He’s been the friend Merlin deserves but doesn’t want. Merlin doesn’t want his help and he doesn’t want Arthur as just a friend.  
  
And Arthur still hasn’t figured out what _he_ wants. For now he just wants to talk to Merlin.  
  
Merlin, Merlin, Merlin. Even when his world didn’t revolve around Merlin, he has always been there, hovering in Arthur’s periphery. Arthur just never realised it. He wonders what it would be like if Merlin wasn’t there anymore, if one day he moved on. What would Arthur do then? The thought makes his world feel empty, and that must mean something, doesn’t it?  
  
“This is the voicemail of _Merlin Emrys._ Please leave your message after the beep.”  
  
This time, the phone goes straight to voicemail. Merlin must have switched it off.  
  
“Fuck!” There’s no one at home to scold him for swearing, and Arthur is glad, because there’s no time to lose. He has to go to Merlin. If they don’t talk today, it might be too late. Merlin’s walls will be up too high by then, and Arthur’s momentum faded along with his courage to try and breach them.  
  
Arthur grabs his jacket and hurries to his car. What will he tell Merlin? Merlin can refuse to answer his phone and turn it off, but he can’t ignore Arthur when he’s at his house.  
  
But what will Arthur say when he gets there? He still hasn’t figured it out, and he only has a ten minute drive to untangle all his emotions for Merlin into something recognizable. Is it love? Does Arthur truly love Merlin? And if he does, where do they go from there? They can’t just start dating, can they? Merlin is too unstable for that. But isn’t dating the logical step after professing your love for each other? And he can hardly say one moment that he loves Merlin and the next that he doesn’t want to date him. Merlin would take it as rejection.  
  
And what if Arthur doesn’t love Merlin? Telling Merlin that might just be the last straw. Merlin might break. He doesn’t need anything else on top of the eating disorder. He’s so fragile…  
  
What was the difference between love and the friendship they shared anyway? Arthur loves Merlin, yes, but don’t all best friends? How do you distinguish love from _love_?  
  
Arthur tries to stop pondering, as he pulls up the driveway. His mind keeps running into the same old circles over and over again anyway. He takes a deep breath to steel himself and knocks on the door.  
  
No one answers. Arthur keeps knocking, but there’s no one home. The lights are out, and the house is silent, abandoned.  
  
__What would Arthur do if Merlin wasn’t there anymore, if one day he moved on?  
  
“He’s gone.” The words slip out of his mouth unbidden. The sound of them sends a chill creeping over his spine, and Arthur shudders.  
  
It can’t be true. His imagination is running away with him. Merlin can’t be gone, because Arthur _needs_ him. There’s no time to ponder that realisation, and Arthur stores it away to examine at later date. Right now he needs to find Merlin. Someone must know where he is.  
  
Arthur grabs his phone and calls Hunith. And Gwaine, and Freya, and Lance, and Gwen. No one has seen him, and although Arthur tries to keep the panic out of his voice, some of it slips through. Gwen picks up on it. She immediately comes over with Elyan and Lance to help him look for Merlin. No one except for Arthur might know what’s going on, but one look at Arthur’s face, drawn with fear, would be enough to send anyone scrambling.  
  
Arthur sets out to St. Andrew’s fields, knowing that Merlin likes the scenery, even though the city is plunged in the night’s dark now. Arthur lets his eyes adjust on the walk there, and thinks how nice it would be to accompany Merlin on one of his walks, just the two of them, maybe find a quiet spot under a tree and have a picnic. But Merlin doesn’t eat anymore.  
  
And Merlin barely has the energy to walk to class these days, let alone for a stroll like that. They wouldn’t get far, although Merlin has gotten far enough on his own to hide from Arthur. Arthur tries not to think about how it must have exerted Merlin, and what state they might find him in. __If they find him. Already he’s been gone for three hours; he could be anywhere.  
  
Arthur tries to focus on scanning the fields, but a sense of doom has overtaken him. He’s more afraid than ever, and there’s nothing to shake him of the feeling. There’s no Merlin. His hands are shaking, his blood is pulsing loudly in his ears, and his heart is beating frantically. Arthur needs Merlin, needs to find him, so he can tell him that he loves him.  
  
He just hopes that it isn’t too late.


End file.
